Ass (n): In Biblical terms, a donkey, as in: “…and Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Jerusalem.” (which may also be the first recorded example of PMS) In Right Wing Republican politician terms, that upon which everyone has sat, except a man.

Army (n): A large group of armed men and women that President George W. Bush once swore, in April of 1999, “ought not to be used for what’s called nation-building.” And they weren’t. They were used to destroy one instead. The Army’s recruiting slogan has been, for some time, “Be all you can be.” In the wake of the Pat Tillerman and Jessica Lynch debacles, it has been suggested that this catchphrase be altered to read: “Be all you can be; we’ll invent the rest.”

Santa Claus (pn): AKA, Sinter Klaus, Father Christmas, Jolly Old Saint Nick, etceteras. A rotund gentleman with flowing white hair and beard, dressed in a red fur-trimmed suit who, on Christmas Eve, would fly around the world in a sleigh pulled by magical reindeer, delivering presents to good Christian boys and girls. Remember lying in bed as a child, listening for the sleigh bells and the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof? Remember when you were either told or reasoned for yourself that Santa Claus was simply a pleasant fiction? Now … how many of you understand that the same parents who told you about Santa Claus also told you about God…

One of the predominant characteristics of the Ultra-Right Wing that serves to put the “fun” back into fundamentalism is the way in which they promote violent behaviour in the name of the Prince of Peace, apparently harkening back to Luke 22:36 “He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.” Although this conjures up a disturbing image of pallid, flabby Evangelicals flapping around in their birthday suits wielding cheap knock-offs from The Lord of the Rings, it’s not quite as amusing as the reality.

Christian Dominionists have marketed a video game called “Left Behind: Eternal Forces,” in which the player is a foot soldier in a paramilitary organization dedicated to remaking America as a Christian theocracy. To this end, the player must convert Catholics, Jews, Muslims, homosexuals and anyone who believes in the separation of church and state. In lieu of converting the aforementioned apostates, the player simply kills them, usually with the phrase “Praise the Lord” as bullets cut down the unrighteous and infidel.

This would seem to slot nicely into the philosophies of people such as Representative Robin Hayes who, while addressing a Rotary Club in Concord in 2006, noted that “stability in Iraq ultimately depends on spreading the message of Jesus Christ.” Whereas on the face of it, this as foreign policy might be considered as effective as spreading the message of the pork industry among Orthodox Jews, one has to admit that while the subtlety and nuance of the spoken word allows for ambiguity and misunderstanding, violence is truly a universal language. Whether one speaks Iraqi, Finnish or Choctaw, the intentions inherent in a baseball bat upside the head are unlikely to be misinterpreted by even the most abstracted or obtuse. Therefore, proponents of Christian Reconstruction or Dominionism may be commended for the clarity and uncommon forthrightness of their message.

It is interesting to speculate how certain famous Bible stories might have been somewhat diminished had they occurred in the more recent past. One might not derive the same inspiration from the miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes had it taken place in Stiff Sock County, Mississippi and the Christ performed the miracle of the Spam and the Cheetos. Similarly, had the Marriage of Canaan transpired in Crackerville, Idaho the spectacle of the Messiah changing water into six-packs of Pabst might have somewhat diminished the moment.

This subject and its contemporaneous semantic and ethical conventions may be summed up in a single word:

“Yeehah!”

ULTRA-RIGHT WING FUNDAMENTALLY

EVANGELICAL RAPTURITE

NON COMPOS MENTIS

So naturally, in deference to this man’s teachings and his personal sacrifice, we have a sub-species whose individuals are dedicated to invoking his name to justify their attempts to re-write the law to control others minds and bodies, accrue great personal wealth and power, promote racial hatred, even genocide and, in general, behave in a manner absolutely antithetical to everything that the Christ is claimed to have either said or done.

(At this point it might be providential to point out parallels with another individual whose birth was considered somewhat miraculous. Born to a humble carpenter, this boy became known and loved of millions. He too had holes pierce his hands and feet. He did not, however, promulgate a world-wide religious following because the individual in questions’ name was Pinocchio.)

Habitat for the species varies as to individual. Some with more humble means (who are likely to sport a T-shirt proclaiming “44 Magnum – God’s Favorite Caliber!”) are mostly to be found in dwellings reflecting the realities of twenty years of minimum wage as a bagger at Farmer Jack’s. Their habitats are often graced with at least one picture depicting the Christ as a blond, blue-eyed Aryan. This might be a tacit clue as to their attitudes towards non-WASP immigration, considering the fact that they number among the very few whites who actually hold jobs that are willing to be done by those recently arrived from the Third World. This sub-species can often be seen being interviewed on television, rendering a vivid description of the sound the tornado made just prior to re-positioning their house trailer in an adjacent county.

The wealthier of the species, whose necktie often represents the monthly income of their less pecunious brethren, reside in whatever luxury the generous donations of the Faithful can afford.