Ass (n): In Biblical terms, a donkey, as in: “…and Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Jerusalem.” (which may also be the first recorded example of PMS) In Right Wing Republican politician terms, that upon which everyone has sat, except a man.

Army (n): A large group of armed men and women that President George W. Bush once swore, in April of 1999, “ought not to be used for what’s called nation-building.” And they weren’t. They were used to destroy one instead. The Army’s recruiting slogan has been, for some time, “Be all you can be.” In the wake of the Pat Tillerman and Jessica Lynch debacles, it has been suggested that this catchphrase be altered to read: “Be all you can be; we’ll invent the rest.”

Santa Claus (pn): AKA, Sinter Klaus, Father Christmas, Jolly Old Saint Nick, etceteras. A rotund gentleman with flowing white hair and beard, dressed in a red fur-trimmed suit who, on Christmas Eve, would fly around the world in a sleigh pulled by magical reindeer, delivering presents to good Christian boys and girls. Remember lying in bed as a child, listening for the sleigh bells and the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof? Remember when you were either told or reasoned for yourself that Santa Claus was simply a pleasant fiction? Now … how many of you understand that the same parents who told you about Santa Claus also told you about God…

Enemy (n): Those who hate us because of our freedoms and would destroy our way of life, hence, their motives are unknowable and their tactics unforeseeable. Or at least that’s what was being put forth in the wake of the horrendous World Trade Centre attack. In reality their motives were entirely understood, (having been spelled out plainly by bin Laden) and their tactics were known to not only U.S. intelligence agencies prior to 9-11 but to the intelligence agencies of at least six other countries that warned of the possiblity of an upcoming attack. However, it is always in the interests of the Right Wing that enemies be always painted as totally evil, utterly implacable and fortuitously omnipresent, especially prior to elections.

Fortunately for Right Wing politicians and political theorists, there will never be a time in the foreseeable future when there won’t be someone that can be defined as an

enemy. The PNAC document crafted by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Kristol and others who were instrumental in planning the invasion of Iraq, have made the definition of any potential future enemies quite clear. After all, the PNAC manifesto is, in its own words, a “blueprint for maintaining global U.S. pre-eminence, precluding the rise of a great power rival, and shaping the international security order in line with American principles and interests. (emphasis author’s) Furthermore, to facilitate this, the U.S. must “fight and decisively win multiple, simultaneous major theatre wars” so that the “American grand strategy” might be advanced “as far into the future as possible.”

Therefore, we have a conclusive definition of what the Right Wing might consider an enemy: any group or nation that is opposed to American interests, be they political or economic. There was great fear and consternation amongst the Right Wing after the fall of the former Soviet Union that there might be no further justification for pork-barrelling in the defense industry. It appeared that they had temporarily forgotten that the defense industry has long since been in the business of creating weapons that don’t work to meet threats that don’t exist, and consequently should not have fretted. Besides, with the ability to create an enemy out of anyone who won’t sell us their oil or buy our products, and with the invasion of Iraq having increased terror attacks world-wide by 607 %, it is unlikely that we will want for enemies in the future. Halliburton, Boeing, Blackwater, et al, may rejoice in the knowledge that free enterprise and the Right Wing American way shall not perish from the earth.

Finally, there is also the fact that the Bush Administration had commissioned a Halliburton subsidiary to build detention camps inside the U.S., the Pentagon’s TALON program compiled a list of anti-war protesters and the Bush had given himself the right to suspend the Habeus Corpus and Posse Comitatus Act. Since the PNAC document’s “American principles and interests” could be legitimately defined as the principles (such as they are) and interests of the Bush Administration, one might be tempted to paraphrase Pogo. They have met the enemy and he is us.

Obviously, secrecy can only be legitimately invoked when National Security is at stake. Therefore, all records of George W. Bush’s tenure as governor of Texas have been transferred to George H. W. Bush Sr.’s Presidential library and have been sealed and unavailable for public scrutiny. Similarly, the records of all Security Exchange Commission (SEC) investigations into allegations of W. Bush’s insider trading or bankrupt companies are similarly sealed from public review, as are all the minutes from any meetings of any public corporation he ever served on and the minutes or records of any meetings he or the Vice President had with regards to public energy policy. Secrecy was essential for maintaining public confidence in the Bush Administration and keeping his approval ratings in the high twenties. Besides; without secrecy a condition that is utter anathema to Right Wing Republican politics might break out: Accountability.