It is interesting to speculate how certain famous Bible stories might have been somewhat diminished had they occurred in the more recent past. One might not derive the same inspiration from the miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes had it taken place in Stiff Sock County, Mississippi and the Christ performed the miracle of the Spam and the Cheetos. Similarly, had the Marriage of Canaan transpired in Crackerville, Idaho the spectacle of the Messiah changing water into six-packs of Pabst might have somewhat diminished the moment.

This subject and its contemporaneous semantic and ethical conventions may be summed up in a single word:

“Yeehah!”

ULTRA-RIGHT WING FUNDAMENTALLY

EVANGELICAL RAPTURITE

NON COMPOS MENTIS

So naturally, in deference to this man’s teachings and his personal sacrifice, we have a sub-species whose individuals are dedicated to invoking his name to justify their attempts to re-write the law to control others minds and bodies, accrue great personal wealth and power, promote racial hatred, even genocide and, in general, behave in a manner absolutely antithetical to everything that the Christ is claimed to have either said or done.

(At this point it might be providential to point out parallels with another individual whose birth was considered somewhat miraculous. Born to a humble carpenter, this boy became known and loved of millions. He too had holes pierce his hands and feet. He did not, however, promulgate a world-wide religious following because the individual in questions’ name was Pinocchio.)

Habitat for the species varies as to individual. Some with more humble means (who are likely to sport a T-shirt proclaiming “44 Magnum – God’s Favorite Caliber!”) are mostly to be found in dwellings reflecting the realities of twenty years of minimum wage as a bagger at Farmer Jack’s. Their habitats are often graced with at least one picture depicting the Christ as a blond, blue-eyed Aryan. This might be a tacit clue as to their attitudes towards non-WASP immigration, considering the fact that they number among the very few whites who actually hold jobs that are willing to be done by those recently arrived from the Third World. This sub-species can often be seen being interviewed on television, rendering a vivid description of the sound the tornado made just prior to re-positioning their house trailer in an adjacent county.

The wealthier of the species, whose necktie often represents the monthly income of their less pecunious brethren, reside in whatever luxury the generous donations of the Faithful can afford.

Just as classical rhetoric incorporates a variety of stylistic constructs such as hyperbole, litotes, pleonasm and epigram, speech patterns of the Magnus Equis Rectum also contain numerous elements. They include, but are not limited to: falsehoods, inaccuracies, misrepresentations, prevarications, defamations, libels and slanders, aspersions, distortions, mythologizings, equivocations, dissemblements, delusions, nit-pickings and the not-so-occasional bald-faced lie.

Entire books have been devoted to pointing out the above in the speech and writings of the Magnus Equis Rectum and so it would be both unnecessary and redundant to reiterate them here. This is not to say, however, that they not be characterized and described. To this task, we turn to the immortal Bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, who usually always said it best.

“There will be little learning die then that day thou art hang’d” (Timons of Athens)

“…a fusty nut with no kernel.” (Troilus and Cressida)

“Would the fountain of your mind were clear again, that I might water an ass in it.” (Troilus and Cressida)

“What a disgrace it is to me to remember thy name.” (Henry IV, Part II)

“Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.” (Timons of Athens)

“You speak an infinite deal of nothing. ” (Merchant of Venice)

“He wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head.” (Troilus and Cressida)

“There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.” (Henry IV, Part I)

“His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them and when you have them, they are not worth the search.” (Merchant of Venice)

“There’s small choice in rotten apples.” (Taming of the Shrew)

“He’s a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” (All’s Well That Ends Well)

And, of course, the final word on the verbal and print punditry of the Magnus Equis Rectum must come from MacBeth:

“It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

The most predominant trait of Magnus Equis Rectum is what used to be referred to as Loyalty to the King. (And considering the direction of the Bush administration between 2000 and 2006, it might well be so-described again.) This trait is characterized by the unswerving support of any Right Wing or Republican administration to the point where one might accurately predict the color of the polish of President Bush’s shoes by examining a Right Wing pundit’s tongue.

The gustatory habits of Magnus Equis Rectum are thought by field researchers to vary greatly considering the physical extremes exhibited by individuals of the species. A particular radio talk show host, for instance, has shown weight variances that range from merely mildly obese to that which could be considered an illegal gathering. However, it must, in fairness be pointed out that the person in question’s job requires him to rave into a microphone for hours at a time while sitting on what is fervently hoped to be a heavily reinforced chair. This, barring his jaw, does not afford the individual the opportunity for much exercise. Walking down to the library to actually check the facts on any of the subjects upon which he holds forth at great length and volume, for instance. At the same time, another member of the species, a female (one assumes) print pundit, has a physique that most closely resembles an anorexic llama. To explain this disparity in relative body mass one might remember that in the Genus Right Wing the onus to maintain a physically attractive body is normally placed upon the female of the species, the main criteria for the male simply being a manly bulge in the wallet. This admittedly does not explain the emaciation of the female in question whose physical presentation appears more calculated to stimulate the interests of adolescent giraffes. Normally members of the Magnus Equis Rectum do mate out of their species but that is usually meant to imply a human being.

This species was once thought to eat Liberals for breakfast, or at least chew them up and spit them back out. This, however, has been proven to be unfounded, the rumor’s origins largely promulgated by Recti themselves. Since the 2006 Congressional elections members of the species have been largely reduced to a diet of eating their own words, a somewhat unwholesome fare considering the quality of the discourse. The species requires a large intake of foodstuffs that produce copious quantities of bile. Unfortunately, this results in belly-aches caused by indignation which results in many of them spewing forth great quantities of half-baked ideas, undigested facts and unpalatable opinions. Fortuitously, just as alcohol is yeast excrement and honey is technically bee vomit, the aforementioned spew is eagerly devoured by faithful devotees of Magnus Equis Rectum who avidly consume their every word.

Although personal taste allows diet among this species to vary considerably, there is one dish you will never see a member of the Recti savouring:

Humble Pie.

PHYLUM: RANTIBUS AD NAUSEUM,

Many Right Wing pundits claim to have humble origins even if their assertion to having an outdoor toilet meant, in reality, that they were urinating in the swimming pool. This allows them the proud boast that they are “self-made,” to have pulled themselves up by their own jack-boot straps, so to speak. It is axiomatic that they also claim to have had a Christian upbringing, and have been thoroughly inculcated with Traditional Family Values. Together, this has bestowed upon them Moral Superiority from which lofty elevation they rain thunder and brimstone down upon the Liberal and the Godless. It also gives them the prescience necessary to divine the Truth which they then magnanimously scatter amongst the commonweal like pearls before swine for mere millions of dollars a year.

There are several crucial qualifications that must be met before one can ascend to the Elect of Right Wing punditry:

- One must have a memorable name that will stick in the public’s memory or at least its craw. A few already taken are: Lush Rimshot, Pawn Inanity, Shill O-Bilely and Ann Colder.

BEHAVIOURAL TRAITS

Corporatis Warbux, as a sub-species, exhibits many fascinating behavioural characteristics. As a rule, it is extremely important for any life-form, species notwithstanding, to be able to distinguish friend from foe. C. Warbux, however, appears not to have developed this most basic of survival instincts, depending largely upon Administratum Anomie to provide for its defense when it makes a faux pas.

Example: In 1988, the Bechtel Corporation (a giant within its sub-species) signed a $2 billion deal with Saddam Hussein to build an immense petro-chemical plant near Baghdad. One of the chemicals it was to produce was ethylene oxide which is used in the manufacture of plastics. It is also used in the manufacture of mustard gas. Bechtel did not cancel its project until just prior to the first U.S. – led invasion. Despite prohibitions against providing “dual-use” chemicals to Iraq, Bechtel was never sanctioned or fined by the government. Indeed, in 2002, when the Hussein regime submitted its list documenting its current store of chemical weapons to the UN, it identified Bechtel as one of its chief suppliers. Fortunately, this piece of information was redacted by the George W. Bush administration prior to being released to the press. Bechtel was only implicated when the French released an uncensored version of the document. This, fortunately, did not stop Bechtel from being given contracts for reconstruction after the “end” of hostilities in the second Gulf War. Indeed, it was actually indemnified by the government against law suits brought by both U.S. workers and Iraqis as a result of shoddy construction techniques.

This sub-species also demonstrates an interesting, albeit somewhat convoluted sense of logic. During the time of the above example, one of the board members of Bechtel, and its senior counsel was former member of Administratum Anomie, now migrated to nest with C. Warbux, former Secretary of State George Shultz. In 2002, Shultz wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post, pleading with the public to support an invasion of Iraq to destroy the very weapons of mass destruction that his corporation had helped to create. The fact that the Bush Administration knew at the time that these weapons no longer existed might be considered ironic. That is, unless you are an Iraqi.

Another fascinating trait of Corporatis Warbux is the manner in which they utilize science to improve our quality of life. One innovative corporation, in an attempt to breed a less odiferous pig, has fabricated a creature it calls Enviropig by splicing into its DNA genetic material from both mice and the bacteria e-coli. This promises to be a brisk seller amongst those who prefer pork that has been obtained from an animal that not only eats offal, but is now genetically enhanced with one species that carries Hantavirus and another that eats shit.

On the other hand, when science threatens corporate revenue, C. Warbux has been known to take a different path, the repressing of its own scientific data that smoking causes cancer being a good example. Recently, in wake of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s damning report, (arrived at by peer-reviewed data accumulated over many years by over 2500 scientists in 113 countries) an organization called the American Enterprise Institute has offered scientists and economists in the U.S, Britain and elsewhere $10,000 plus expenses to write articles disputing or undermining the IPCC report. The AEI’s funding (a total of $1.6 million) was discovered to come from the oil giant ExxonMobil. It was also found (in yet another example of migratory symbiosis) that over 20 of AEI’s staff had worked as consultants to the W. Bush administration. Thus, we see once more the striking similarity between Administratum Anomie and Corporatis Warbux especially when it comes to the subject of global warming. Science, when it provides means to enhance the Bottom Line is to be embraced. Science, when it threatens the Bottom Line (or an established mode of behaviour) is to be discredited or at least typified as “flawed” or “inconclusive” regardless of its demonstrable veracity. Or, as has been previously stated, “two and two equal four, unless there is a financial or political necessity that they equal five.”

SPEECH AND ETYMOLOGY

Any attempt to examine the speech patterns of Corporatis Warbux is frustrated by the fact that they never actually say what they mean. In this, we see again the  similarities and interchangability between Warbux and Administratum. However, certain approximations between statement and truth can be inferred, as the following examples show:

Statement: Our company operates strictly within governmental guidelines.

Translation: …Which we have been lobbying to keep as ow as possible for many years.

Statement: Our studies prove that there is no conclusive proof that ______ causes _______.

Translation: Researchers on our corporate payroll found it politic to arrive at the appropriate conclusion.

Statement: We must respectfully disagree with the results of the (university/independent laboratory/non-partisan foundation’s,) conclusions regarding _________.

Translation: We can’t control their results since their scientists aren’t on our payroll.

Statement: We have always complied fully with the law.

Translation: We haven’t been caught yet.

Statement: It would bankrupt the company if it had to comply with every goverment regulation.

Translation: Our 500% profit margin would drop a point if we were forced to increase the mileage of our vehicles by 5 MPG.

Statement: Government has no place in the private sector.

Translation: The people who have to breathe the air and drink the water have no business messing with our bottom line.

Statement: The problem has just come to our attention and we will be making every effort to deal with it quickly and effectively.

Translation: Some whistle-blowing bastard just leaked it to the press so we’ll be trying to put a positive spin on it while clamping down on information and fending off allegations with both hands and feet.

Statement: If these extremists had their way, thousands of jobs would be lost.

Translation: …Not mine, of course. Boiling your water isn’t so hard, is it?

Statement: Our industry is vital to the nation’s economy.

Translation: …Therefore, it is your patriotic duty to drive fuel-inefficient cars, over-consume, support deregulation and swallow every egregious greed-driven price hike without a whimper.

Statement: The environment is everybody’s concern.

Translation: Provided that we are allowed special dispensations to ignore and exploit it.

Statement: The situation warrants further study.

Translation: Because if we claim to be studying it we can proceed with business as usual.

Statement: Our employees have a right to keep traditional family jobs.

Translation: …Until we out-source them.

Statement: The environmental impact will be minimal.

Translation: Cockroaches and viral forms are expected to survive.

THE INCORPORATE

CORPORATIS WARBUX

As a sub-species, Corporatis warbux has existed ever since an early member of Homo Sapiens decided to out-source the flint-knapping industry to lower primates who would work for bananas, thus beginning the decline and eventual extinction of Neanderthalensis Middleclassus.

In modern times it has become increasingly difficult to make a clear distinction between corporate bodies and government. Their aforementioned symbiotic ties often make them appear inseparable. We may take as an example of this conundrum the case of the George W. Bush Administration and in particular, its Vice President Dick Cheney.

Formerly the Defense Secretary under Bush Sr, Cheney was hired by Halliburton as its CEO in 1995. Always one to remember his friends, Cheney took with him to Halliburton many previous acquaintances including Admiral Joe Lopez and former Assistant Secretary of Defense for Legislative Affairs, Dave Gribbin. While CEO of Halliburton, Cheney acquired the oil and engineering company, Dresser Industries. Unfortunately, he grossly overpaid for the company for which he compensated by firing over 10,000 of Dresser’s former employees and pillaged their pension fund. However, not having done due diligence in the acquisition, Cheney was unaware that he had also acquired Halliburton Dresser’s massive asbestos liability. This included over 66,000 outstanding law suits totaling over $5.5 billion levied against Dresser subsidiary Harrison-Walker. This could easily have bankrupted Halliburton. However, Cheney was not only not fired, but awarded a $1.5 million performance bonus by the corporate board whose members included ex-Secretary of State and Administratum Anomi/Corporatis Warbux cross-over, Lawrence Eagleburger.

In the fullness of time, Cheney nominated himself for the office of Vice President. He was now in a position to bring the government-corporate-government symbiosis full circle.

In February of 2003, less than a month prior to the invasion of Iraq, a meeting was convened at the Pentagon to discuss corporate contracts for the rebuilding and managing of the Iraqi oil industry under the rubric RIO – “Restore Iraq Oil.” Prior to this, (according to an Army Corps of Engineers e-mail uncovered by Time Magazine) the decision to award Halliburton the RIO contract essentially without competitive bidding had already been made. Apparently in the fall of 2002 and early winter of 2003, Halliburton executives had been invited to the White House and the Pentagon to meet with members of Cheney’s staff and with Army Corps of Engineers Lt. General Carl Strock. Cheney had been plucked from government by Halliburton and almost bankrupted the company. But he consequently saved it by going back to government where he could insure Halliburton got the lion’s share (safe from inconvenient competition) for re-building a country Cheney himself was instrumental in planning to invade. As a token of their respect, Halliburton has given Cheney (in addition to the options on 433,000 shares of Halliburton stock he already owns, plus his massive Golden Parachute) $162,392 a year in “deferred compensation;” a paltry sum, government conflict-of-interest rules notwithstanding. After all, Cheney was responsible for $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts while CEO of Halliburton. As of 2007, Halliburton has been awarded in excessive of $16 billion in U.S. government contracts largely while Cheney has been Vice President of the United States. As a final gesture of this symbiotic relationship between government and corporation, in the spring of 2005, the Bush administration, overruling a State Department investigation into massive and undocumented cost over-runs in Iraq, awarded Halliburton a $9.4 million bonus for its work in Afghanistan and Kuwait.

Habitat for Corporatis Warbux varies tremendously as the phylum is highly migratory, its upper members moving back and forth from corporate board room to government sinecure as they participate in the behavioral pattern of mutual nest-feathering. In the Bush Administration, by way of example, we see migratory ex-CEOs and executives from AOL Time Warner, Monsanto, Kaiser-Hill, etc, and a rich variety of corporate lobbyists from the major oil and energy companies. As with most migratory species, their perambulations are based on their constant need for sustenance, moving wherever they have greatest access to their primary prey species, Taxus Americanus.Another similarity shared by both Corporatis and Administratum species is their habit of defecating in each others’ nests. This proclivity goes largely unnoticed (or at least unreported) especially by many members of another symbiotic species, Media Bootlickus. In any case, this mutual nest-fouling is of no concern to either species as the excreta rarely adheres to them. Indeed, it is often the case that it merely falls through the cracks to rain down upon and cling to those occupying lower nests in the same tree. On the rare occasion when it does, members of both species are often seen together participating in a sanitizing legal procedure the purpose of which is to have them “come clean.” Unfortunately, this proceeding is usually presided over by a sub-species of Hubris Imperium, Partisan Legalis, many of whom possess only one right wing, and whose predominant characteristic is their inability to smell corrupt odors on the aforementioned phyla. The results of most such litigation rituals are that the litigants remain dirty, but with a palliative perfume applied in an attempt to mask the odor. The species that make up the bulk of the electorate are enjoined to hold their noses and pretend the stench doesn’t exist, especially when they vote.

SPEECH AND ETYMOLOGY
It has been observed that one of the major properties of speech is to inform and enlighten. This is not usually the case with Vice President Cheney whose statements are wont to fall into two categories. The first is to obscure intentions much like a light bulb that when turned on, makes the room darker. The second is a statement that, at least in his own mind, represents an honest sentiment. This usually takes the form of a pronouncement that defies either common sense or ignores facts that would otherwise prove inconvenient to his desires. Both these traits are consistent with Cheney’s Right Wing facility to constantly redefine his Personal Reality. This trait is best demonstrated by his own statements as they stand against his actions and the statements of others:
Statement:
In 1991, then Secretary of Defense Cheney publicly issued the following statement: “I think for us to get American military personnel involved in a civil war inside Iraq would literally be a quagmire. Once we got to Baghdad what would we do? … I do not think the United States wants to have US military forces accept casualties and accept responsibility of trying to govern Iraq. It makes no sense at all.” He further mused on the situation in 1992: “The question in my mind is: how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth? And the answer is: not very damned many.”
Reality:
Prior to the first Gulf War, Cheney and his Pentagon office had cobbled together a plan known as Operation Scorpion whose goal was to invade Iraq and eliminate Saddam Hussein. With regards to the Second Gulf War, although Saddam Hussein may not have been worth “very damned many” U.S. casualties, Iraqi oil was apparrently deemed to have been worth 3700 and counting.
Statement:
Vice President Cheney, 2002: “Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction.”
Reality:
Scot Ritter, senior member, U.S. weapons inspection teams, Iraq: “I bear personal witness through seven years as a chief weapons inspector in Iraq for the United Nations to both the scope of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction programs and the effectiveness of UN weapons inspectors in ultimately eliminating them.”
Statement:
Vice President Cheney: “I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators.”
Reality:
U.S. Army Colonel Nathan Sassaman: “With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money for projects, I think we can convince these people that we are here to help them.” (It may be simply coincidence but this appears to be both the Bush administration’s foreign and domestic policy.)