Elitist (adj): To the Right Wing, someone with an education. According to former Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan in a Wall Street Journal article of Dec. 28, 2007, President George W. Bush was “…the triumph of the seemingly average American man…He’s not an intellectual. Intellectuals start all the trouble in the world.” She may have a point. Take penicillin for instance. What wimpy little pinko egghead came up with that? Real men eat mouldy bread or have the guts to simply die. This is perhaps why President Bush populated his administration with some of the most stunningly incompetent political appointees in history, most of whom were manifestly unqualified to hold their positions. They were, by Ms Noonan’s definition “average American(s),” but they certainly did not do an “average job.” After all, the Bush legacy includes an entirely bogus and hideously expensive war and the largest national debt, deficit and trade deficit in U.S. history. “Average?” I think not. “Intellectual?” Ditto…
Perhaps now that we’re thinking of it, if the Right Wing definition of elitist is someone with an IQ over 50 who doesn’t hear voices in his head telling him to invade foreign nations, can hold two thoughts in his mind simultaneously and can actually speak the English language better than a recent immigrant from Absurdistan, maybe we might give elitism another try.

Rantibus: Good evening Senator, Governor.

McCain: Good evening. Ummm … what’s this thing?

Rantibus: That’s a microphone, Senator.

McCain: I knew that…..

Rantibus: So, let’s get right into it, shall we? First, you are described as a maverick, yet you’ve voted the Bush party line over 90% of the time and have repudiated most of your former stances on almost every subject. In what way are you different from President Bush?

McCain: Well, first off, I’m a former POW. I’m also much older. And I wasn’t born into wealth and privilege - I got where I am the hard way; I married an heiress. And since that freed me from having to earn a living I have dedicated myself to being a selfless servant of the American lobbyist … uh … I mean people. I’m also a former POW.

Rantibus: So I’ve heard… You not only intend to make the disastrous Bush tax cuts permanent, but also extend them, almost entirely to the rich and incorporate. How is that a responsible plan considering that America will soon have a $10 trillion dollar national debt?

McCain: Look - you can’t tax your way out of a recession - which we’re NOT IN. If you made the rich pay their share, it’d result in economic disaster.

Rantibus: How?

McCain: Well … we’d be less rich. You know what’d happen if, oh… say Bill Gates had to pay taxes like the middle class?

Rantibus: His personal fortune would drop to a mere $30 billion?

McCain: Exactly! Personally, I’d probably be down to only three or four houses. Our maids, cooks and gardeners’d have to go back to Mexico and Guatemala, there’d be layoffs in the golf course sector, Cartier and the rest of the high-end jewlry industry would be devestated, we’d have to fire our private jet pilots… Oh, and corporations like oil companies couldn’t invest in research to get our nation less dependent on foreign oil.

Rantibus: But of the $40 billion the oil companies made in above-the-line profit last year, less than $5 billion was actually invested in R&D. The rest went straight into the bank. And while we’re on the subject of oil, you do understand that the amount of economically recoverable oil from off-shore and in the ANWR would only really keep the US running for approximately six months at our current rate of consumption and that you wouldn’t get the first drops out of the ground for eight to ten years…

McCain: Did I mention that I’m a former POW?

Rantibus: I think it was noted in passing… Can you tell us why you went with the choice of Governor Sarah Palin for your running mate?

McCain: That’s ’soul mate,” Mr. Robitussin. Anyway, I wanted someone who would appeal to the disaffected Hillary vote and also distance myself from the religious Right.

Rantibus: So you chose an evangelical whose former pastor, Ed Kalnins, believed that Jesus operated from a position of “war mode,” and that people who criticized President Bush would burn in hell, a running mate that is against a woman’s right to choose, anti-birth control and advocates creationism? Is your campaign so cynical or disconnected as to believe that women are going to vote for someone who is essentially the very antihisis of Ms. Clinton simply because of her sex?

McCain: I got a lotta medals, you know…

Rantibus: Governor Palin.

Palin: Yup? Can I call you Joe?

Rantibus: No. Do you believe yourself to be qualified for the job of Vice President?

Palin: Yup, yup.

Rantibus: And yet, you have virtually no federal government experience, no foreign policy experience, no military experience, and you have yet to serve even two years as governor of a state with a population of under 670,000 people.

Palin: First offly, I’m the commander-in-chief of the Alaskan National Guard. I have come to know Chuck and Ed very well and they’re a credit to their uniform which they share on alternate days. I also live right beside Russia.

McCain: She does too. My wife told me so. And you know, the next time I’m in Iraq, I’m gonna stand on the Iraq-Russia border and you know what I’m gonna say?

Rantibus: That you’re a former POW?

McCain: I’m gonna shake my fist and yell, “Mr. Khrushchev, tear down this wall!”

Palin: And I can see a hospital from my house too, so that makes me qualified to be a doctor.

Rantibus: (after long pause,) Governor.You are also an evangelical Christian who’s opposed to sex education in schools and touts “traditional” family values and yet you have an unmarried 17 year-old daughter who is pregnant. Do you see any dichotemy in these two issues?

Palin: Frankly, I’m offended that you’d point that out. My family’s personal life should not be made a campaign issue.

Rantibus: You are entirely correct. My apologies.

Palin: But Senator Obama’s should. He’s a muscle-man, you know…

Rantibus: I believe you mean ‘Muslim,” and no, he’s not. Senator Obama is a Christian.

McCain: And I was a POW…

Palin: Say it ain’t so, Rantibus.

Rantibus: Doesn’t quite make it the second time around, does it, Governor? And stop winiking at the microphone. Let’s take our first caller…hello - you’re on the air….

Caller: Issinnrvu… (sounds of moist mastication)…adsgraghhhsss…nazissslumphgrumpphasss… (more liquid noises) ….schrabluphsssss… (call is terminated)

Rantibus: OK…I’ve been informed that Mr. Limbaugh was to have addressed the issue of … well, who knows, but was apparently attempting to eat six doughnuts at the same time. So, back to you, Governor Palin. While being interviewed by ABC “news” anchor Charlie Gibson, you expressed the opinion that the US might have to go to war with Russia, a major nuclear power, due to the fact that Georgia was a member of NATO and , if I may quote you directly, ” the agreement when you’re a NATO ally, is if another country is attacked, you’re going to be expected to be called upon, and help.” Are these your very words, Ms. Palin?

Palin: Yup.

Rantibus: But surely, Governor, you understand that Georgia is not a member of NATO?

Palin: I’m not going to answer that question, sir. Instead, I’d like to express my views on….. (Editor’s Note: the following fifteen minutes have been deleted for the sake of brevity.) … and that’s when I knew fer certainity that Senator Obama was the AntiChrist.

Rantibus: (sound of newspaper being folded) Senator McCain. A short while ago, you expressed the opinion that the health care system should be run along the same lines as the financial industry, so that it could, and I quote you, “provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.” Now, surely you must realize that it was the lack of regulation and oversight which was brought about entirely by your former financial advisor, Senator Phil Gramm, that set the stage for the immense Wall Street melt-down that the taxpayer is now being expected to bail out to the tune of $700 billion? Are you seriously proposing that the financial industry is a viable model for providing health care?

McCain: Yessiree.

Rantibus: Are you insane?

McCain: No … I’m a former POW.

Ranitbus: Just recently you canceled an appearance on the David Letterman show to get to the airport, ostensibly to fly back to Washington to vote for Socialism for the rich, only to end up doing an interview with Katie Couric. Apart from the fact that you yourself admitted that you hadn’t read the three-page memo concerning the bailout proposal days after it was issued, and seeing you don’t sit on any finance committee, what was the sudden hurry to get back for this particular vote, especially considering that, to date, you have missed more Senate votes than any living Senator. Was it just a ploy to avoid the next day’s debate with Senator Obama?

McCain: No, Mr. Bellarus, I just didn’t see any point in wasting the Senator’s time. After all, my campaign had already put out an ad on the Web stating that I’d won the debate.

Rantibus: (pause) Right… We have our next caller… hello. You’re on the air.

Caller: It’s about (expletive deleted) time! You can’t ignore me, you know! The whole Democratic National Convention was just a Liberal plot to distract attention from the fact that everything is about ME! Did you know that Senator Obama is actually Idi Amin’s love-child? It’s true because I say it is! The Clintons… (call is terminated)

Rantibus: Thank you, Ms. Coulter…. So you still contend that you’re qualified to be Vice President, Governor.

Palin: Yup. Whatever the job actually turns out to be. I mean, look who’s been President for the last eight years… And besides, I’ve got plenty of other qualifications. I’m good with guns so I won’t be shooting anyone in the face unless I mean to, I can read off a teleprompter and pause for laugh lines, I’ve got a rubber uterus, I’m a former beauty queen,

Rantibus: Yes…quite…

Palin: For the talent show I skinned a squirrel…

Rantibus: What about the issues you should be conversant with: the Bush Doctrine?

Palin: I didn’t know he was a doctor.

Rantibus: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack?

Palin: I love their dresses and accessories.

Rantibus: (pause) Caller? You’re on the air.

Caller: …AND THERE SHALL BE HAIL AS BIG AS AN ELEPHANT’S BALLS… UMBRELLAS WILL BE USELESS! AND HE SHALL SMITE THE UNBELIEVERS WITH HIS … UHH… GREAT SMITEY THING, AND…

Rantibus: Sir… the Democratic National Convention is over and it had perfect weather. It was the Republican convention that got rained out on its first day.

Caller: What? Well, fu…(call is terminated)

Rantibus: That was Mr. James Dobson from FOCUS ON THE DEMOCRAT FAMILIES, NOT OURS. So, to wrap up, how do you plan to save the US economy, restore accountability to the White House and improve America’s tattered image abroad? Senator McCain?

McCain: You know what I like? Barbeques. And naps… nice long naps … uh … and…

Palin: I stand for family values and anything else I’m told to.

McCain: You tell ‘em, my little bran muffin. I’m a former POW, you know…

Rantibus: And that’s it for me. Good night, and God save America.

“My fellow, Murkans, Senator Obama has expressed an affinity for this fair state. Well, I happen to like it!
Far be it from me to cast aspirations on my honorable opponent, but for the sake of mendacity, there are some things about him that you, the expectorate, should know.
First of all, he is a practicing heterosexual who has actually legislated in the chambers of Congress. And his attendance record in the Senate can only be described as quotidian. Furthermore, he has been seen to have perambulated his infant daughters on the public streets, and prior to that, while in secondary school, he is known to have matriculated. He even practices monogamy. His wife has been seen to wear Madras prints and is apparently quite fond of thespians. Indeed, she has been known to have paid money to watch thespians perform various acts. It is even rumored that she advocates homeopathic remedies. Senator Obama himself has, on occasion, taken umbridge.
His aged grandmother was once a sexagenarian.
He has expressed his desire that our protestant and jewish citizens develop more catholic tastes. He has even recommended the practice of circumspection. He has traveled so extensively that he is thought to be peripatetic.
Although others have been accused of playing the race card, it is known that the Senator himself has discriminating tastes.
He has stated that his tax play would help those in penury. Well, I think that money should go to help Americans first! I warn you here and now that Senator Obama’s way is altruism, plain and simple!
There is only one logical choice in this election, good people. I have stood on both sides of virtually every issue at least once in my career and I am prepared to obfusticate on your behalf. I can volatize our nation’s economy and exacerbate our place in the world.
I’m John McCain, and I exuded this message.

“Cut and Run” (phrase): Right Wing description of anyone with an exit plan from Iraq. “Cut and Run” is what Rightists claim Democrats will do whenever one of them asks the question “How long do you plan on keeping fighting without winning?” President Bush addressed this issue in his own inimitable way when, on November 4th 2006 in Greeley Colorado, he stated “The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.”

(“Logic” and “reason” do find their way into this genus’ lexicon, but we shall explore those meanings in the RIGHT WING LEXICON further on.)
Since the concept of Faith is extremely important to all branches of the genus RIGHT WING, one cannot avoid a short excursus on the subject of religion.
It is an accepted fact that all major religious faiths – Protestantism, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, etc, are based on similar tenets. But if one were to attempt to boil these religions and sects’ various teachings down to their essence, it might be as is expressed in the Torah: “As you would be treated by others, so should you treat them. All the rest is commentary.” Rightism would paraphrase this universal axiom in a slightly different way: “Do for your own class as you will eventually expect them to do for you. All the rest is negotiable.”
For most religions, faith may also be defined as the belief in that which can be neither seen nor explained. Francis Bacon characterized it more pragmatically: “Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true.” This might come closer to the mark in defining the concept of faith to the genus Right Wing. Faith is that which allows one to avoid ethically or monetarily inconvenient truths, the horror of abstract thought, the unmanly drudgery of the educational process, or indulge in the ultimate sin of Doubt.
This is a very important feature of Right Wing faith. It gives them the ability to challenge the US space program to plan for a manned mission to Mars (something that presumable will involve the sciences of physics, chemistry, astronomy, etc) and simultaneously believe that the world was created in six days, and that the dimensions of Noah’s ship was sufficient to hold two of every animal, bird and reptile species in the world. (The Republican Congress gives the appearance of holding every reptile species in Continental United States, but this might be merely a coincidence.)

A short comment on the latter example: There are those among the Right Wing who appear to be making the attempt to reconcile themselves with the sciences of archeology and paleontology. This has manifested itself in the stated belief by some that Noah took dinosaurs onto the Ark. It is this ability to reconcile the irreconcilable that has lead to such wonderful statements such as Vice-President Cheney’s assertion to then Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill that “Reagan proved deficits don’t matter,” or former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz’ contention that the war in Iraq would pay for itself. Our cultural mythology is the richer for it. Unfortunately, our economy is not.

A few days ago, since one of the things I do is write song parodies, I was playing around with something for McCain.

“I’ve been driving on the fail road, all the live-long day.
I’ve been driving on the fail road, watching “that one” win the day…”

Then I got to “Sarah, won’t you blow, Sarah, won’t you blow…” and I had to stop. There is such a thing as propriety and there are some things even I won’t print…

However, I did see a McCain quote in passing. I can’t remember exactly where it was or in what context - probably from the sound of it, an interview - but I do remember it was like getting fetched up the side of the head with a wet sandbag.

McCain: “You can’t name a single issue I’ve flip-flopped on.”

Wham!

Well, … no, John. Not a single issue, per ce. How about 44?

If anyone wants me to pursue any of these issues individually to document my thesis, please feel free. I’ve got the information. I just don’t feel like filling an entire blog with this sort of prevarications. It’s just too depressing. So here are the topics on which McWattles could have earned a 9.5 from the Russian judge for his twisting one and a half gainers, to wit:

The Privatization of Social Security.
Offshore Drilling.
The Detention of Detainees at Gitmo.
Illegal Wiretapping.
Criticizing the Media.
The Webb G.I Bill.
The Estate Tax.
Funding Contraception in Africa.
Abortion Exceptions.
Defense Spending.
Storage of Nuclear Waste at Yucca Mountain.
Everglades Restoration.
Katrina Investigations.
Normalization of Relations with Cuba.
Bush Tax Cuts.
Torture.
Ethanol.
Balancing the Budget.
Windfall Profits Tax.
Job Losses in Michigan.
Negotiations with Syria.
Negotiations with Hamas.
Divestment and Sanctions.
Rogue State Rollback.
The NRA.
Lobbyists.
Long Term Military Presence in Iraq.
Tobacco Industry Regulations.
The Idea that People Live Better Under Bush.
Pork barrel Earmarks for Arizona.
The Dream Act.
Law of the Sea Convention.
Roe vs Wade.
Gay Marriage Amendment.
The Confederate Flag Issue.
Henry Kissinger.
Teaching “Intelligent Design.”
Nuclear Power.
Attacking Terrorists in Pakistan.
Falwell and the Religious Right.
Donald Rumsfeld.
The Wyly Brothers.
Comprehensive Immigration REform.
The Bailout of AIG.

On each of these 44 issues, McCain flip-flopped faster than a gopher taking a .22 magnum in the head. And all can be proven with his own words. McCain is the archtypal Republican politician: he stands for whatever he thinks you’ll fall for.

Res Ipsa Loquitur…..

Double Taxation (v): The sin of forcing the rich to pay their share., which the McCain campaign defines as Socialism. In his 2003 budget, President George W. Bush heard the cries of the wealthy (crying to be wealthier) and included in his massive tax-break more than $400 billion worth of eliminations in taxes or dividends on stock profits. This, claimed Bush, amounted to “double taxation…it’s not fair to tax something twice.”
This is interesting considering worker’s wages are hit with federal and state income tax, social security tax, unemployment and Medicare tax, etc. The average person also pays sales tax, gas tax, property tax and so on. Corporations, however, avoid tax by purchasing huge amounts of goods from abroad. These purchases are then deducted from their income tax. The only problem with this is that they are not only buying goods at absurdly inflated prices, they are also often buying them from their own subsidiaries. In other words, they are buying them from themselves. This serves to move immense corporate profits out of the country and into the bank accounts of their subsidiaries, and in doing so, escape U.S. taxation. This practice, according to a study done by finance professors Simon Pak and John Zdanowicz, apparently cost America $53 billion just in 2003 alone. But this is a trifling cost to pay for the incurred benefits. After all, the rich and incorporate are largely the ones who made the Bush Administration what it was.

I’m beginning to think that Sarah Palin has some kind of strange neurological syndrome that causes her to experience facial tics and occasionally short-circuits her cerebrum, home of the brain’s logic, and analysis. I believe this because it’s the only way to explain some of the statements that come out of her mouth. Some of her sentences don’t even parse grammatically, while others contain ideas and opinions that sound so patently absurd that it’s impossible to believe that even a nanosecond of critical thinking was involved.

While on a campaign stop in Des Moines on Saturday, Oct. 25th, Failin’ got somewhat hysterical when she described Obama’s nefarious tax plan which is apparently a cunningly crafted Communist plot designed to reduce the nation to chattels of an overweening and ultimately powerful central government and reduce you all to serfs. Here’s the whole diatribe minus the spittle:

“See, under a big government, more tax agenda, what you thought was yours could really start belonging to somebody else, to everybody else. If you thought your income, your property, your investments were … were yours, they would really collectively belong to everybody. Obama, Barack Obama has an ideological commitment to higher taxes, and I say this based on his record. … Higher taxes, more government, misusing the power to tax leads to government moving into the role of some believing that government then has to take care of us. And government kind of moving into the role of the other half of our family, making decisions for us. Now they do this in other countries where the people are not free. Let us fight for what is right. John McCain and I, we will put our trust in you.”

Now apart from the occasional non sequitor, Ms. Palin apparently has a few skewed ideas regarding the nature of socialism. The text book definition of socialism is a system wherein the government controls the means of production and distribution of goods and some services. It does not in any way imply a Communist or totalitarian system. Nor does it imply the collectivization of private wealth. But somehow, in Palin’s alleged mind, the idea that Obama’s tax plan would give your neighbor access to your chequing account or have the guy across the street co-own your house and the mailman be entitled to use your car is beyond laughable - it’s pathetic. Mind you, I don’t doubt that she might actually believe this. I have rarely seen an emptier head or such a lack of intellectual curiosity with the possible exception of George W. Bush.

OK - Canada has a nationally owned broadcasting system, (CBC television and radio) a national railroad and a government-subsidized health care system. Is anyone but Pat Buchanan and Rush Limbaugh seriously suggesting that Canada is a socialist state? How about Britain, America’s staunchest dupe … sorry - ally?

As for being committed to higher taxes, that too is bollocks. If the redistribution of wealth means people who earn less that 100 grand a year get to keep a little more of their own money while those with means get to pay their fair share for the first time in many years, then bring it on. This isn’t socialism, it’s social justice. What is the Wall Street bailout if not socialism for the rich and the incorporate? Why does the Republican Right Wing always balk at cutting a break for the very people they claim as their grass-roots “base?” (And I don’t mean a beer-and-a-six-pack phony tax rebate to buy votes from the Trailer Park Crowd.)

Of course, Obama’s going to have to raise taxes! Why? To pay for the unconscionable economic mess caused by the last eight years of Republican laissez-faire deregulated market madness and no little sheer incompetence and corruption. Bush took a National Debt of $5.2 trillion, a budget surplus, and zero deficit and turned it into $10 trillion, and world-record budget and trade deficit. The only reason the US dollar’s worth more than 1/4 of an ant’s fart is a daily influx of over $1.2 billion in foreign investment. Again, I say, how long does Palin think that this borrow-and-spend can go on before someone starts calling in the markers? The only thing worse than a tax-and-spend Democrat is a don’t-tax-and-spend-like-a-drunken-sailor Republican.

In point of fact, Palin does have some hands-on job experience in misusing government power. Ask some hapless schmuck who fell victim to the sub-prime mortgage debacle who really owns his home. And as for losing freedoms, how many have disappeared under the Bush administration’s regime of secrecy, extreme rendition, suspension of Habeas Corpus, warrentless wiretaps, etc. The list is long and not a fun read.

Palin and McCain are in the final stages of desperation. They can’t win with their policies, Palin’s presence on the ticket is like trying to swim with anvils tied to your nuts and they can’t win on issues. All that’s left is the standard Rove/Bush fear campaign.

Arrrghhhh! The scary black Muslim terrorist/socialist/commie is gonna tax the rich, put fluoride in our drinking water and make your daughters date bin Laden! Run to us! We’ll protect you!

I tell you, when reality gets this surreal, you know Halloween’s right around the corner….

Education (n): To the Right Wing, an inconvenience since studies have observed that the higher the education, the less likely that the person in question will vote Republican. To the Ultra-Right, an antithetical concept since it is impossible to believe most of what is required of the phylum Rantibus ad Nauseum if one has an intellect higher than, say, a cherrystone clam. It has therefore become incumbent on the Right Wing of the current administration to alleviate this condition by insuring that education receive short shrift in its ensuing budgets. To this end, in its 2005 budget, the Bush Administration cut 38 educational programs, while the previous budget of 2004 eliminated entirely the budgets for rural education and drop-out prevention, and also cut many of Bush’s own “No Child Left Behind” programs. Indeed, the federal share of funding for public schools, kindergarten through to grade 12 only accounts for 8%. However, to ensure that future drop-outs or those who will never be able to afford a college education are assured of employment, the Bush Administration, in its “No Child Left Behind” Act has given military recruiters access to 100% of all high schools receiving federal aid, even to providing the Pentagon with student’s addresses and phone numbers. (Page 559 of the No Child Left Behind Act)
Public education is also iniquitous, at least according to Texas State Representative Debbie Riddle who, in the 2003 legislative session, expressed the opinion that public education was a concept that comes “…from Moscow, from Russia. It comes straight out of the pit of hell!” Therefore, a Rightist must see it as his or her patriotic duty to remain ignorant, a condition that gives the appearance of being easier than it looks.