Sometimes these things just write themselves…

Samuel Wurzelbacher, AKA Joe the Unlicensed Plumber is back in the news after returning from pretending to be a war reporter in Israel where the closest he got to harm’s way was a DVD dust jacket of “The Longest Day” in a Tel Aviv Blockbuster.

Apparently this semi-literate inarticulate clod has written a book: “Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream.” He was in Washington DC at a Borders bookstore to hawk his wares and had scheduled three hours to speak and sign copies.

A total of 11 people showed up. Of that number, only 5 bought his book. The whole sorry affair was over in about three quarters of an hour.

Man! This is almost as good as when Ann Coulter had to have her jaw wired shut! What’s next? Rush Limbaugh chokes to death on a crow sandwich? I can’t wait!

FEEDING HABITS
Although he occasionally snacks on Pentagon and CIA personnel who disagree with him, Vice President Cheney’s main sustenance is derived late at night when he rises from his desk and flies about the country sucking the life out of social programs and the Constitution.

Wrong (n): Rule 1 - Neither the Bush administration nor America can ever be wrong.
Rule 2 - If strong and persuasive evidence to the contrary surfaces, refer back to Rule 1. Now ev’tin be irie…

ORIGINS AND HABITAT
Popular mythology would have it that Dick Cheney emerged fully formed from the forehead of a statue of Rasputin. This, of course, is apocryphal nonsense. Richard Bruce Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska to Richard and Margorie Cheney, both passionate Democrats and New Dealers. His father was a career bureaucrat in the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture’s Soil Conservation Service. When Eisenhower took office in 1953 and began the traditional Republican systematic gutting of the Dept. of Agriculture, Richard was transferred to Casper, Wyoming. To this day, Cheney identifies strongly with the rugged individualism and simple values of the Old West. To this end, he owns a $2.9 million vacation house that he describes as “home” in Jackson Hole, Teton County’s only gated community where he indulges his hobby of cowboy cross-dressing.
After twice flunking out of Yale, (after having been provided both entry and a scholarship by Wyoming oilman Tom Stroock) Cheney spent two years on a utility crew based in Rock Springs erecting power lines across Sweetwater County. (It is an interesting coincidence that a man named Dick would find himself working in the erection business in a county that is home to a stream the original settlers named Killpecker Creek.) He then enrolled in Casper College, then the University of Wyoming where he commenced his long and proud history of draft deferments.
His natural habitat has long been Washington D.C. A man of modest needs, his residential requirements in the Capitol need only be capable of accommodating his double-wide coffin filled with the rich soil of Wyoming. The only stipulation is that his quarters be in close proximity to the Public Trough for the convenience of watering his faithful steed, Halliburton.
(It is said that, as President Harry Truman, Vice President Cheney also has a sign that reads “The Buck Stops Here.” This is not well known owing to the fact that whereas Truman displayed the sign on his desk, Cheney carries his in his wallet.)

Victory (n): (1) What you declare when you pull out of something prematurely in order to avoid the humiliation of getting your ass handed to you. Former Attorney General John Ashcroft, for example, declared the War on Terror to be won as he left office. (2) A rationalization necessary when the illusion of having won has been rendered impossible, wherein one attempts to ameliorate the situation by trying to lose as slowly as possible. The worst-case scenario is having to declare a “moral victory,” this being a tacit admission that you just received the proverbial Million-Pound Shithammer of repudiations without a leg to stand on.

Rantibus: So, Mr/Ms, Right Wing GOP congressperson, what is the solution to the economic disaster we now find ourselves mired in?

RW GOP: Tax cuts for the rich.

Rantibus: But wasn’t that, along with deregulation, lack of oversight and other factors the very thing that put us in our current dilemma? Realistically, what must be done?

RW GOP: Tax cuts for the rich.

Rantibus: Sir/Madam, what color is the sky?

RW GOP: In my opinion, it is green.

Rantibus: Any further words of wisdom for our readers?

RW GOP: Tax cuts for the rich!

There’s a certain poetic hubris to the current GOP assertion that when one finds one’s self in a deep hole, the only logical way out is to continue digging. Fortunately, the electorate took away these linthead’s shovels in November of 2008 but that hasn’t stopped their demented mantra. The way out of a debacle caused by the greed and injudiciousness of the wealthy is to give them more money. Your money. Anything else would lead to … well, what exactly? To listen to flap-jaws and broken records like McCain and Limbaugh, not giving the rich and incorporate even more money to replace that which they pissed away will lead to the downfall of civilization as we know it. Or at least as they would like it to be. Them on top, urinating down on the rest of us who are expected to comment how the nice rain will help the crops.

Back in 2003, Bush claimed that the US’s top economists predicted substantial growth if Congress would pass the president’s $1.3 trillion tax cut. Newsday of February 24, 2003 begged to differ:
“The forecast with that conclusion doesn’t exist. Bush and White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer went out of their way … to cite a new survey by ‘Blu Chip economists`that the economy would grow 3.3 percent this year if the president`s tax cut proposal becomes law. That was news to the editor who assembles the economic forecast. Ì don`t know what he was citing,`said Randell E. Moore, editor of the monthly Blue Chip Economic Forecast, a newsletter that surveys 53 of the nation`s top economists each month. ‘I was a little upset,’ said Moore, who said he complained to the White House. “It sounded like the Blue Chip Economic Forecast had endorsed the president’s plan. That’s simply not the case.”

GOP party hacks love to cite the Reagan administration as though it were a model for economic reform. (Well, ol’ Ronnie did manage to quadruple the national debt…) The coveted Laffer curve, a 1940’s era phenomenon that stated that if you taxed the rich less, the government would reap more dollars in income. This, ostensibly, was that all that money the wealthy and incorporate saved from taxes would be invested back into the economy which would concomitantly create jobs that would generate income and buy goods and services and tax revenue, etc…

Well … not so much. That money mostly goes into bank accounts in the Caymans and Seychelles and Luxembourg, to avoid being taxed. Even when given public monies, as we recently saw with the TARP bailout funds, the rich’s first impulse is to try and buy a new $50 million corporate jet or spend $12,000 a night on family vacations in Baja all courtesy of the American taxpayer like Citigroup corporate executives were recently found to be doing with their federal bailout money.

Indeed, the Federal Reserve is still keeping secret what exactly was done with $2 trillion in bailout money. Yes, that’s TWO TRILLION which use they will not allow to be disclosed. Public money. Your money.

These are the same pelf-puffed frauds that was unable to account for over $12 billion assigned to the Coaliton Provisional Authority in Iraq under Paul Bremer between May 2003 and June 2004. The money has simply disappeared and even Bremer, testifying before Congress in 2007 hadn’t the slightest idea of what happened to it. (not the least thing Bremer hasn’t the slightest idea about)
This is the same group of cretins that added over $6 trillion to the National Debt in eight years and is now complaining about the fact that Obama wants a stimulus package that actually helps the peasants and peons rather than the Madoffs.

The US is now officially broke! It is a debtor nation forced to borrow from other countries to keep its currency afloat. Over 1.1 million have been added to the unemployment rolls in the last two months as the economy circles the drain. What, Republicans, is the answer to our woes?

TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH!

How obvious….

In the category of THINGS YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE RATHER NOT KNOWN:

Weapons designed or green-lighted during the Bush years intended to be used against US civilians,

The first known radiological weapon positively identified by police and intelligence units,

An analysis of the probablilities of nuclear and radiological weapons developed from non-government sources,

And, of course,

More meciless whipping on the Right Wing, including MILF’s (Morons I’d Like To Forget) and THE ASSHOLE MONOLOGUES.

VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
WEASELIX REXUS

As we have done with the ex-President of the United States, (POTUS HORRIBILIS) so shall we examine the former Vice President Dick Cheney, he being a unique example of the species.
It was once said by a past holder of the office that the Vice Presidency wasn’t worth “a bucket of warm spit.” It is therefore fortuitous to be able to examine the tenure of a Vice President who has finally proved that it is.
Indeed, Cheney (AKA: He Who Cannot Be Shamed) is the first Vice President to have ascended by a phenomenon known as the Shock of Recognition. Potential Vice Presidents are chosen for a variety of reasons; Dan Quayle, for instance, was selected as assassination insurance. Cheney, however, is the first VP to have selected by his own hand. When tasked by George W. Bush to find a running mate, after an exhaustive search, Cheney found, much to his own surprise, that the ideal candidate was himself. The soul-searching required to arrive at such a decision must have been the most excruciating minute of his life.
Prior to the appointment of President Bush, the public knew little of Cheney. If, as it is said, that “by his works shall you know him,” this is what the public might have found:
Congressional records reveal that, as a Congressman, Dick Cheney voted:
- Against the reauthorization of the Endangered Species Act, the Clean Water Act, the Federal Water Pollution Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act and the Superfund,
- Against the ban on the manufacture of armour-piercing “cop-killer” bullets and against the 7-day waiting period for gun sales,
- Ten times against funding nutrition programs for children,
- Against the Hunger Relief Act food stamp program,
- Declaring himself “committed to support Social Security to his dying breath” by voting to raise the retirement age from 65 to 67 and cap Social Security CODA adjustments for seniors on fixed incomes,
- Against the Equal Rights Amendment,
- Against Hate Crimes Data legislation.
Should this appear unduly negative, during this time, Cheney voted for:
- Amending civil rights legislation to define one as being a “person” from the moment of conception,
- Freezing funds for higher education,
- Cutting off federal aid to public schools that prevent religious groups from using their facilities,
- funding for the Contra Rebels seeking to overthrow the elected government of Nicaragua,
- Reagan’s initiative to produce chemical weapons.
This voting record gives us a clear image of a man who is not afraid to stand up and be counted, even if (as was the case in the children’s nutrition programs) he was one of only 15 other House members in opposition. The majority is not always right, as the Supreme Court decision to appoint George W. Bush president after the flawed results of the 2000 election elegantly proves.

They’re at it again…

The Rethugs have learned new lyrics to an old melody, that being fear, Fear, FEAR!!! Since the Obama administration’s announcement that they will be closing Gitmo prison, there has been a constant litany of fear-mongering that soon, Al Qaeda operatives and mad bombers will be sashaying up and down your street, peeing in your rose bushes, leering luridly at your daughters and sticking M-80-s in your mailbox. Apparently, the Right Wing of the Republican Irrelevancy fear that Obama is simply going to open up the gates at Gitmo in the future and let everybody wander off or give them all jobs running 7-11’s around the US.
First, there are probably some people incarcerated at Gitmo that will be left free. People who had no business being there in the first place who were bagged on the flimsiest of evidence that wouldn’t hold up in a real court for two seconds. Mind you, there are some real villains there too, and they will be incarcerated in the US. But apparently the Repugs fear that these people will escape and wreak havoc on the population at large. You know - those people the Bush administration protected so well prior to 9-11?
Now I don’t know about you, but apart from having the largest per capita prison population in the world, there are some pretty evil and dangerous characters behind bars in the US; serial killers, rapists and at least one geek featured on the Daily Show who ate his victim’s brain. Are you seriously telling me that a prison system that can keep the general population safe from a brain-eater can’t handle a couple dozen “death to America” chanting loons?
It’s not like Gitmo is the most secure place on earth. It was essentially thrown together by the Army Corps of Engineers and consists mainly of container units, chain likn and razor wire. Compared to the average US maximum security prison, Gitmo is a hamster cage.
Then, there’s the shibboleth of released prisoners returning to their former (alleged) occupations. OK, here’s the stats on that one:
A Pentagon report of June 13th of 2008 states that a total of 37 former Gitmo prisoners were “confirmed or suspected” of engaging in “terrorist activities” after their release. This confirmation was due to the fact that 13 of them were either re-captured or killed, but none of those 13 were engaged in killing or attempting to kill Americans. Of the remaining 24, they were suspected of having returned to their former terrorist ways by what the Pentagon refers to as “unverified or single-source, but plausible reporting.”
As someone who has some prior experience in these matters, let me tell you that “unverified or single-source” reporting holds the same credibility as an Ann Coulter opinion.
Three of the above 24 were Chechens who were returned to Russia who were subsequently caught perpetrating terrorist acts in Russia, and yet another blew himself up to keep from being captured by Pakistani security forces. Again, not a single act against Americans.
When asked about how many former Gitmo detainees had returned to their former avocations, then Secretary of Defence Robert Gates hedged ” we don’t have a lot of specific cases.”
No kidding, Bob. Of course one might also point out that the Pentagon includes in its definition of “terrorist activities” former prisoners who have publicly spoken out about their treatment while a guest of Gitmo. Mind you, the Bush administration seemed keen on making freedom of speech a crime against the state, depending on who was doing the speaking. Remember, “People need to watch what they say…”
In point of fact, the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit declared in December of 2003 that the government has no right to declare a American citizen (and there are a few in Gitmo) as an “enemy combatant” if seized on US soil, and also has no right to deny that person counsel.(18 U.S.C. 4001(a) (2000), the Non-Detention Act and the fact that the Congressional Authorization of Military Force Joint Resolution, Pub.L. No. 107-40, 115 Stat. 224 (2001) provides no such authorization nor exception to section4001(a) )

Not surprisingly, at the forefront of this fear-mongering is former VP Cheney, claiming that shutting down Guantanamo will result in the fall of democracy as we know it, as though Cheney would recognize or approve of democracy if it ran him over in the street. (Wait - it did, in November of 2008…) Cheney conveniently omits that under his watch and with his stamp of imprimatur, 11 Saudis were released from Gitmo, passed through a Saudi “half-way house” for terrorists, fled the Kingdom and are now returned to the fold, plotting the downfall of Western Civilization. But of course, that’s part of the history Cheney and Rove are desperate to re-write. Indeed, Dick, let the accountability begin.

The Right Wing Rethugs are back to their old tricks, calling fear from every window, trying to convince the public that Obama’s going to open the gates of Gitmo and walk away. I suppose that soon, the fact that Osama bin Laden’s still walking around free will suddenly become Obama’s fault.